Little Allen attended a South Dakota horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and then the chest. After a few minutes, Allen asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Allen, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ."
Lmao..
montynormand
Member
Funny
shortstop20
New member
- Joined
- Mar 6, 2005
- Messages
- 1,583
- Age
- 37
- Location
- Stickney, South Dakota
- Website
- www.snowmobilefanatics.net
change_up
New member
LOL.
Another Horse joke
A farmer goes to a local religious man to buy a horse that he has raised from a colt. The religious man warned the farmer as soon as he bought the horse that this was no ordinary horse. If you say "holy S**t" the horse will take off and run as fast as it can, in order to stop, you say "oh my god". The farmer didn't beleive this - so he decided he'd try it for himself. He hops up on the horse, takes it to a nice wide open field and says "Holy s**t". The horse takes off like no other. With a big smile on his face, the farmer soon looks in front of him to see that he is coming up on a cliff. He says "whoa, stop, heal!!!" the horse keeps running as fast as it can toward the cliff. As soon as the farmer realized he was about to die he says "oh my god" The horse comes to a halt within feet of the cliff. He catches his breath, realizes what just happened and said... holy s**t
I had to edit this post.. I told half my friends this joke and they didn't get it! LOL... stay in school! The moral is the horse and farmer fell off the cliff.
Another Horse joke
A farmer goes to a local religious man to buy a horse that he has raised from a colt. The religious man warned the farmer as soon as he bought the horse that this was no ordinary horse. If you say "holy S**t" the horse will take off and run as fast as it can, in order to stop, you say "oh my god". The farmer didn't beleive this - so he decided he'd try it for himself. He hops up on the horse, takes it to a nice wide open field and says "Holy s**t". The horse takes off like no other. With a big smile on his face, the farmer soon looks in front of him to see that he is coming up on a cliff. He says "whoa, stop, heal!!!" the horse keeps running as fast as it can toward the cliff. As soon as the farmer realized he was about to die he says "oh my god" The horse comes to a halt within feet of the cliff. He catches his breath, realizes what just happened and said... holy s**t
I had to edit this post.. I told half my friends this joke and they didn't get it! LOL... stay in school! The moral is the horse and farmer fell off the cliff.
Last edited:
FxsX24
New member
Holy $hit
fasttoys17
New member
OH Snap!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now
class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!" A smart-*** guy in the back of the room raised
his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was
suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class
is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the
teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head an d sweetly
says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other
hand."
class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!" A smart-*** guy in the back of the room raised
his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was
suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class
is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the
teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head an d sweetly
says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other
hand."
marty f
New member
bar
A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquired.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first b-job," the man answered.
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquired.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first b-job," the man answered.
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
tippmannator
New member
thats just wrong!!!!!!
A Scotsman phones a dentist to inquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.
"85 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.
"85!!! Huv ye no' got anythin' cheaper?" (Jack says)
"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.
"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anesthetic?"
"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock 15 off."
"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an anesthetic?"
"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to 40"
"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction, with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"
"It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist.
"I'll charge you 5, but it's going to be very traumatic."
"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said Jack .
"Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"
A Scotsman phones a dentist to inquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.
"85 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.
"85!!! Huv ye no' got anythin' cheaper?" (Jack says)
"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.
"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anesthetic?"
"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock 15 off."
"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an anesthetic?"
"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to 40"
"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction, with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"
"It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist.
"I'll charge you 5, but it's going to be very traumatic."
"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said Jack .
"Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"
Cajun Pregnancy:
Way down in Louisiana , Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for sometime and now the time had come. So he brought her to the Doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, 'Hey, Boudreaux! You just had you-self a son! Ain't dat grand!'
Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!' The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, 'Hey, Boudreaux! You got you-self a daughter! She a pretty lil ting, too.'
Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!' The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Boudreaux, you just had you-self another boy!'
When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their 3 children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night what we run out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere three-in-one Oil?' His wife said, 'Yeah, I do!' Boudreaux said, 'Man, it's a good ting we didn't use no WD-forty.'
Way down in Louisiana , Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for sometime and now the time had come. So he brought her to the Doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, 'Hey, Boudreaux! You just had you-self a son! Ain't dat grand!'
Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!' The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, 'Hey, Boudreaux! You got you-self a daughter! She a pretty lil ting, too.'
Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!' The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Boudreaux, you just had you-self another boy!'
When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their 3 children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night what we run out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere three-in-one Oil?' His wife said, 'Yeah, I do!' Boudreaux said, 'Man, it's a good ting we didn't use no WD-forty.'
LMAO!! those are some good ones!!
change_up
New member
A flat chested woman was looking at herself in the mirror and said to her husband "Honey, I wish I had bigger breasts" The husband says "Well there's something you can do about that you know" woman says "oh ya? What's that?" The husband says "Take a peice of toilet paper and rub it up and down between your breasts 7 times" wife asks "how is that supposed to work?" Husband replies, "I don't know, but it seems to be working on your @$$"
Heres another
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
'From now on when I say BELL 1
I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2
I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3
we are going to make love all night.
' The next night he came home from work and yelled
'BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'
'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?
'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied '
YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
'From now on when I say BELL 1
I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2
I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3
we are going to make love all night.
' The next night he came home from work and yelled
'BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'
'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?
'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied '
YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'
03viperguy
Moderator
all pretty damn funny lol!
change_up
New member
Men vs Women
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish..............................49
Adventurous.....................Slept with all your friends
Athletic............................No boobs
Average looking.................Ugly
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure..............On medication
Feminist............................Fat
Free spirit..........................Junkie
Friendship first...................Former slut
Fun..................................Annoying
Gentle..............................Dull
New Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded.....................Desperate
Outgoing...........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................Sloppy drunk
Poet.................................Depressive
Professional.......................Bitch
Romantic...........................Frigid
Voluptuous........................Very Fat
Large frame.......................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate................Stalker
Widow..............................Murderer
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
And finally.....
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish..............................49
Adventurous.....................Slept with all your friends
Athletic............................No boobs
Average looking.................Ugly
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure..............On medication
Feminist............................Fat
Free spirit..........................Junkie
Friendship first...................Former slut
Fun..................................Annoying
Gentle..............................Dull
New Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded.....................Desperate
Outgoing...........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................Sloppy drunk
Poet.................................Depressive
Professional.......................Bitch
Romantic...........................Frigid
Voluptuous........................Very Fat
Large frame.......................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate................Stalker
Widow..............................Murderer
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
And finally.....
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.
Here's another from my seven year old
My wife is in the kitchen making supper and me walks in and says
"Mom. Is the stove hot?"
"Yes." She answers " It is very hot"
"So why don't you marry it?" He says with a big grin.
Kids LOL
My wife is in the kitchen making supper and me walks in and says
"Mom. Is the stove hot?"
"Yes." She answers " It is very hot"
"So why don't you marry it?" He says with a big grin.
Kids LOL
Yama49601
New member
Here's one:
Why do police hate redneck murder cases? There's no dental records and all the DNA matches.
Why do police hate redneck murder cases? There's no dental records and all the DNA matches.