A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her
horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My
husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. He's
got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out
the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he
had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he
started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend
in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who
had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your
clothes with you under your arm?'
Oh , yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed
right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, 'Do you
always wear a condom when you run?'
'Nope.........just when it's raining
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her
horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My
husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. He's
got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out
the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he
had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he
started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend
in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who
had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your
clothes with you under your arm?'
Oh , yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed
right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, 'Do you
always wear a condom when you run?'
'Nope.........just when it's raining
A small zoo in Alabama obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was “in season.” Thinking about the problem, the zoo keeper thought of Bobby Lee Byrd, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, was a bit short on brains but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
So the zoo keeper approached Bobby Lee with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500? Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
Two days later, Bobby Lee announced that he would accept the zoo’s offer, but only under four conditions.
“First,” Bobby Lee said, “I ain’t gonna kiss her on the lips.” The keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
“Second,” he said, “You cain’t never tell no one about this.” The keeper readily agreed.
“Third,” Bobby Lee said, I want all the childruns raised Southern Baptist.” Once again, the keeper agreed.
“And fourth,” Bobby Lee stated, “Ya gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.”
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was “in season.” Thinking about the problem, the zoo keeper thought of Bobby Lee Byrd, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, was a bit short on brains but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
So the zoo keeper approached Bobby Lee with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500? Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
Two days later, Bobby Lee announced that he would accept the zoo’s offer, but only under four conditions.
“First,” Bobby Lee said, “I ain’t gonna kiss her on the lips.” The keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
“Second,” he said, “You cain’t never tell no one about this.” The keeper readily agreed.
“Third,” Bobby Lee said, I want all the childruns raised Southern Baptist.” Once again, the keeper agreed.
“And fourth,” Bobby Lee stated, “Ya gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.”
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Saskatchewan .
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly
farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.'
The old farmer replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming over here.'
The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial attorneys in the World and, if you don't let
me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.'
The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Saskatchewan .
We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule'.'
The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?'
The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three
times and then you kick me three times and so on, back and forth until someone gives up.'
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his
knees.
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn.'
The old farmer smiled and said, 'Nah, .................I give up! You can have the duck.'
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly
farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.'
The old farmer replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming over here.'
The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial attorneys in the World and, if you don't let
me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.'
The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Saskatchewan .
We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule'.'
The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?'
The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three
times and then you kick me three times and so on, back and forth until someone gives up.'
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his
knees.
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn.'
The old farmer smiled and said, 'Nah, .................I give up! You can have the duck.'
DeviantSRX
New member
Figured I'd my two cents....Damn, now I'm broke
Subject: Walk on Water
Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all
been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special
day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side
for their first legal drink.
So when Bubba's 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal took
a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat....
and nearly drowned! His pal just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,'
he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like
my pappy, his father, and his father before him?'
Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, 'Because
your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in
January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you dumb a --'.
Subject: Walk on Water
Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all
been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special
day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side
for their first legal drink.
So when Bubba's 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal took
a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat....
and nearly drowned! His pal just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,'
he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like
my pappy, his father, and his father before him?'
Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, 'Because
your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in
January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you dumb a --'.
Last edited by a moderator:
A K MtnViper
New member
DeviantSRX said:
Did not see that coming, good one.