bluemonster1
LIFE MEMBER ONLY ONCE!!!
A beautiful woman walked up to the bar and in a very sexy voice called the bartender over to her. The bartender came over and asked her if he can help her. She put her hands on his face, playing with his beard.
She asked him in a very seductive voice, “Are you the manager of this establishment?”
The bartender quietly said “No.”
The woman was now letting her hands go further up his face, into his hair and asked, “Well is the manager here so I might be able to talk to him?”
The bartender said quietly, “No, he isn’t here tonight, may I take a message for him?”
By this time she was back down at his beard and even placed a couple of her fingers in his mouth, let him suck on them a little and she said in a very soft and sexy voice, “Well if you could please give him a message for me that would be great.”
The bartender just stood there, he couldn’t talk.
She began again, while she was massaging his beard she said, “Could you please tell him that there is not toilet paper in the ladies room?”
She asked him in a very seductive voice, “Are you the manager of this establishment?”
The bartender quietly said “No.”
The woman was now letting her hands go further up his face, into his hair and asked, “Well is the manager here so I might be able to talk to him?”
The bartender said quietly, “No, he isn’t here tonight, may I take a message for him?”
By this time she was back down at his beard and even placed a couple of her fingers in his mouth, let him suck on them a little and she said in a very soft and sexy voice, “Well if you could please give him a message for me that would be great.”
The bartender just stood there, he couldn’t talk.
She began again, while she was massaging his beard she said, “Could you please tell him that there is not toilet paper in the ladies room?”
bluemonster1
LIFE MEMBER ONLY ONCE!!!
food for thought..or whatever
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like......night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
5. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
6. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
7. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
9. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis?...Raise my hand.
10. OK...so what's the speed of dark?
11. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
12. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
13. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
14. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
15. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
16. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
17. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
18. Just remember---if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
19. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
20. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapeños.
What you do today might burn your *** tomorrow.
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like......night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
5. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
6. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
7. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
9. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis?...Raise my hand.
10. OK...so what's the speed of dark?
11. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
12. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
13. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
14. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
15. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
16. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
17. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
18. Just remember---if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
19. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
20. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapeños.
What you do today might burn your *** tomorrow.
bluemonster1
LIFE MEMBER ONLY ONCE!!!
New Living Will Form
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not
wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.
Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead
politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives
depended on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the
bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and if I fail to ask for at
least one of the following:
______a Bloody Mary
______a Southern Comfort on the rocks
______a glass of Fume Blanc
______a Beer
______a Motorcycle Ride
______a Steak
______Lobster or crab legs
______The remote control,
______a Bowl of ice cream
______about road racing
______Doritos
______Sex
it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.
When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed
person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and
call it a day.
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not
wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.
Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead
politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives
depended on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the
bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and if I fail to ask for at
least one of the following:
______a Bloody Mary
______a Southern Comfort on the rocks
______a glass of Fume Blanc
______a Beer
______a Motorcycle Ride
______a Steak
______Lobster or crab legs
______The remote control,
______a Bowl of ice cream
______about road racing
______Doritos
______Sex
it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.
When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed
person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and
call it a day.
bluemonster1
LIFE MEMBER ONLY ONCE!!!
a joke
What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?
BINGO
What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?
BINGO
bluemonster1
LIFE MEMBER ONLY ONCE!!!
lol
now this one is funny!!!
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk, they connect, and then end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for a guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, especially one that's so extensive, but doesn't
mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side, all the while thinking to herself, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?"
She turns to him. They kiss and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."
now this one is funny!!!
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk, they connect, and then end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for a guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, especially one that's so extensive, but doesn't
mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side, all the while thinking to herself, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?"
She turns to him. They kiss and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."
bluemonster1
LIFE MEMBER ONLY ONCE!!!
it only gets better
lmaorof!!!!!
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary.
"We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife,opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed,"Schwartz is dead!"
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oi all over him,then dusted him with talcum powder."Don't move until I tell you,"she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied,"the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this. "I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked:
"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted,
"I want to die in peace.I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work."
lmaorof!!!!!
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary.
"We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife,opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed,"Schwartz is dead!"
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oi all over him,then dusted him with talcum powder."Don't move until I tell you,"she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied,"the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this. "I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked:
"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted,
"I want to die in peace.I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work."
bluemonster1
LIFE MEMBER ONLY ONCE!!!
do you know these two
So two old ladies are driving down route 14 at 14mph when a cop pulls them over for holding up traffic.
"Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?" The policeman asked the lady driving.
"Oh my no." She said. "My taillights were checked before we left, I renewed the license plates only last week, and I was scrupulously driving exactly the speed limit. Isn't that right, Agnes?" The driver asks her passenger, who is white-faced, panting, wide-eyed, and gripping the door's armrest so tightly her knuckles have turned white.
"Ma'am," the policeman continues. "You were only going 14 miles an hour."
"That's the speed limit, isn't it?"
"No, ma'am, that's the route number. The speed limit is 65. ...Are you sure everything is all right? Your friend seems a little upset."
"Well, we just got off route 214..."
So two old ladies are driving down route 14 at 14mph when a cop pulls them over for holding up traffic.
"Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?" The policeman asked the lady driving.
"Oh my no." She said. "My taillights were checked before we left, I renewed the license plates only last week, and I was scrupulously driving exactly the speed limit. Isn't that right, Agnes?" The driver asks her passenger, who is white-faced, panting, wide-eyed, and gripping the door's armrest so tightly her knuckles have turned white.
"Ma'am," the policeman continues. "You were only going 14 miles an hour."
"That's the speed limit, isn't it?"
"No, ma'am, that's the route number. The speed limit is 65. ...Are you sure everything is all right? Your friend seems a little upset."
"Well, we just got off route 214..."
bluemonster1
LIFE MEMBER ONLY ONCE!!!
who can relate to this one..lol
A biker walks out of a bar to his XJ750 Maxim, and man is he wasted. He barely makes it to the bike, weaving this way and that, finally he falls flat on his face next to his bike. He slowly pulls himself up and sits down on it. No sooner than he tries to put the keys in, he passes out on top of it.
There is a cop across the street just watching this pitifull sight. He notices about 12-15 other bikers walk out of the bar, they seem to be a little drunk but not nearly as bad as the first one. As they pull away, he thinks to hiimself, na, I just want that really drunk guy, he could hurt someone.
About 10 minutes later, the biker suddenly wakes up, starts his bike and drives away. He drives perfectly, doesnt weave or anything.
The cop pulls him over and gives him the field sobriety test, the biker passes them all perfectly, he hasnt had a drink all night. The cop asks him, When you came out of the bar, you couldn't walk, fell down and even passed out on your bike, what was wrong with you?
The biker looks at the cop and says, Oh, I'm the designated decoy!
A biker walks out of a bar to his XJ750 Maxim, and man is he wasted. He barely makes it to the bike, weaving this way and that, finally he falls flat on his face next to his bike. He slowly pulls himself up and sits down on it. No sooner than he tries to put the keys in, he passes out on top of it.
There is a cop across the street just watching this pitifull sight. He notices about 12-15 other bikers walk out of the bar, they seem to be a little drunk but not nearly as bad as the first one. As they pull away, he thinks to hiimself, na, I just want that really drunk guy, he could hurt someone.
About 10 minutes later, the biker suddenly wakes up, starts his bike and drives away. He drives perfectly, doesnt weave or anything.
The cop pulls him over and gives him the field sobriety test, the biker passes them all perfectly, he hasnt had a drink all night. The cop asks him, When you came out of the bar, you couldn't walk, fell down and even passed out on your bike, what was wrong with you?
The biker looks at the cop and says, Oh, I'm the designated decoy!
bluemonster1
LIFE MEMBER ONLY ONCE!!!
NOW!! Ain't this the truth..we are doomed
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder...
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder...
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.
Just a normal day for you Doug??
bluemonster1
LIFE MEMBER ONLY ONCE!!!
couldn't find the mouse,so went to the garage,found the pen I was looking for,put it back in it;s place...found the glass of rye/coke still half full,put it on the table,found the mouse there,was going to the puter..but phone rang,put mouse down and then sat on couch for nap,sat on the remote under the cushion,which turned off the TV finally after 2 days,got back to the puter and no mouse...what the hell???
sleddineinar
VIP Member
I know it's not Friday, but...
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, ‘Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?’
Grandma replied, ‘Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.’
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s pastor.
The minister said, ‘Hello son, is your Grandma home?’
The little boy replied, ‘Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.’
The minister fainted.
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, ‘Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?’
Grandma replied, ‘Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.’
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s pastor.
The minister said, ‘Hello son, is your Grandma home?’
The little boy replied, ‘Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.’
The minister fainted.
bluemonster1
LIFE MEMBER ONLY ONCE!!!
Good one..lol.... 