Jokes Please?!

DeviantSRX

DeviantSRX

New member
Joined
Jul 29, 2008
Messages
334
Age
39
Location
St. Clair Shores, MI
How bout we get some more jokes or something else funny to talk about up here - other than politics! I know politics are important and all and I definately plan to vote, but Damn! I can only read those threads for so long.

Looking for something alittle more light hearted we can laugh at....
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
 

your joke

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, and go to
Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says
to them 'Doesn?t the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya
know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust
happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, yaknow.'

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the
heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two guys from Minnesota ,
the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and
drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is
in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?'

Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at
da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's disnice.'

The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he
comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been
cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell.

The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging
everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail,
moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole
and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats,and
mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaminglike
mad men.

The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat
you're happy. Now it?s freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong
with you two?'

They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if
hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl!
 
truck driver goes into a whore house ...and says to the front desk attendant i am here to get screwed....front desk says go to the 3 rd floor and knock on door 310 .....he goes and knocks on the door ....and hears a reply from a deep manly voice ...WHAT....and he replys i am here to get F^&*ed.....the deep voice replys .....slide 50 dollars under the door ....so the truck driver slides 50 under the door .....to his surprise the door doesnt open........so he knocks again ...and hears ...WHAT .....so he says I AM HERE TO GET F#$%ed.....the deep voice replys ..............AGAIN
 
this lawyer goes to a whore house and asks for verionica, and the madam says she the most expensive girl we have, are you sure?

he says yes, so he goes up the the room and verionica says it will be $ 5000.00, he pays her they do it he leaves .

the next day the lawyer goes back and askes for verionica again the madam says again are you sure? he say yes he goes up stairs and pays her another $ 5000.00 they do it he leaves.

the next day the same thing now the madam asks are you sure you want verionica? we have cheaper girls he says no he goes up to the room pays her $5000.00 again but be fore they do it verionica asks what do you do for a living ha says i'm a lawyer from boston really she says i have a father in boston

i know he says he died and he wanted me to give your $15000.00 inheritance
 
Nice! Thanks guys. I enjoy reading these much more than the chatter about politics and the election, I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Keep 'em Commin!!
 
Life explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun , have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life--you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the
front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.
 
EDIT crewchief47: Lets keep the racial word use to ziltch please, even if it is a joke.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Different ways to look at things

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
values Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?
'Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

-----------------------------------------------------

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well son, you must have got it from your mother,
'cause I still have mine.'

-----------------------------------------------------

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce
Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

-----------------------------------------------

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
took the husband aside and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids'.

-----------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he
has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you'.
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

-----------------------------------------------------

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder.
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.

----------------------------------------------------

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute..'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

-----------------------------------------------------

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun?!
What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

-----------------------------------------------------

Moe: 'My wife go t me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her, I didn't believe in hell.'

-----------------------------------------------------

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'OOPS'.

-----------------------------------------------------

While shopping for vacation clothes, a husband and wife pass a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since the wife had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought her husband's advice.
'What do you think?' she asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
 
ill try to keep this one clean ...............

a plane full of people is in flight ..when the captin comes on and says the plane is overloaded and need to throw the baggage to lighten up the plane ...after a few minuites the captin says that was not enough so they need to throw a few people off to save the lives of the rest .....so to do it fairly we will do it in alfabetical order ...so he says all the African American please come to the front of the plane ...nobody gets up...all the Blacks please come to the front of the plane ...nobody gets up .....all the Colored people come to the front of the plane ....nobody gets up....a little boy looks at his dad and says ...dad aint we all three ..african american ,black ,and colored ? ....the dad replys ...NOPE TODAY WE ARE ***** WE ARE LETING THE MEXICANS GO FIRST ............
 
Age defining moment

4 old mischievous Grandmas were sitting at a table in a nursing home.

About then an old Grandpa walked in.

One of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'

The old man said, 'There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools.'

One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants & under shorts & we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times & to jump up & down several times. Then they all piped up & said, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees & grinning from ear to ear, all 4 old ladies happily yelled in unison--'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'
 
Oh ok fine.

Obama keeps preaching change, but do you know what change really stands for.

C- Come
H- Help
A- A
N- you can figure it out (I cannot say because its a racial slur, but I can call you a
cracker)
G- Get
E- Elected

HAHAHA
 
A couple had been married for many almost thirty years. They bought and paid for their house, raised 3 great kids and sent them to college, and put together a nice investment and retirement portfolio. After all this, the wife wanted to splurge a little. So one day, she decided that she wanted to get a boob job. So she went to her husband and tried to explain it to him. She said, "After all we've been through, I'd like to spend a little on myself. And just think, I can make them look like they did 30 years ago."

The husband put down his newspaper, politely said no, and the wife quietly went about her business.

After a few months of thinking about it, she decided to bring it up again. She goes to her husband and tells him, "I've been a patient wife and mother and I think I deserve this one thing."

He looks at her, turns off the ball game, politely tells her no again, and she quietly goes about her business.

After another couple months, she works up the nerve again and approaches her husband. She says, "Look, I've been faithful and unselfish. All I'm asking for is just a little more adjustment for my appearance and I think I deserve it.

The husband put down his wrenches and looks at her. Finally he says, "OK. If you want bigger boobs, this is what you do. Go to the store, buy some toilet paper. Every day, 7 times a day, rub some toilet paper between your breasts, and after awhile, I promise you, they will get bigger."

The wife, confused, looks at him and says, "I don't understand. I just don't see how that can work."

The husband looks straight into her eyes and replies, "Look what it did for your *** for the last 30 years."
 
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a pub in Dublin, Ireland.

She raises her right arm, revealing a huge hairy armpit. She points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar goes silent as the patrons try to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, an old, owly-eyed drunk slams his hand down on the counter and bellows, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.

She turns to the patrons and again points around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asks, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little ole drunk slaps his money down on the bar and says, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approaches the little ole drunk and says, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your own darn business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why in tarnation do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replies, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
 
There was a young man who had gone to college, worked hard to graduate top of his class, got a job as a highly paid lawyer, and just won a high profile case that would establish his career. After all this, he decided it was time to take a vacation. So he went to Miami for a little relaxation. While he was there, he decided it was time to get laid, so he asked the concierge to set him up with the best prostitute he knew. Promptly at 7pm, there was a knock on his door, and in walked a particularly beautiful woman. As they are discussing the evenings activities, he asks her how much her services cost.

“I charge $250 for a hand job,” she said.

“$250! That’s kind of expensive don’t you think?”

She says, “Come to the window. Do you see that Ferrari down there? I paid cash for that Ferrari with my hand jobs.”

So he hands over the cash and promptly receives the best hand job he will ever get for the rest of his life. The next day, he starts wondering what else she can do, so he asks the concierge to call her back up. When she arrives, they begin discussing prices again, and claims to charge $750 for a blowjob.

“$750! That’s ridiculous. Noone gets that much money.”

So she says, “Come to the window. Do you see that 5 star hotel down the street? I paid cash for that hotel with the blowjobs I provide.”

Again, he hands over the cash and receives the best blowjob he will ever get for the rest of his life. And again, he begins wondering what else she can do. The next evening, at the request of her services, she comes to his hotel room. Out of anxiety, he asked her, “How much to get laid?”

She says, “$2000.”

“That’s insane! I won’t pay that much.”

“Come to the window. Look down the street. Do you see downtown?”

He says, “Oh, come on. You can’t tell me that you own the whole city!”

She says, “I would if I had a vagina.”
 
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, “Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.” They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, “'Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.”

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. “Look”, she said, “I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.”
 
How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Edit crewchief47: come on guys, this is a family site. Lets pretend your 10 year old is reading over your shoulder.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
You must log in or register to reply here.


Back
Top