mopar1rules
Active member
did you hear about the new african american barbie doll?
...it comes w/12 kids, aids, and a welfare check.
...it comes w/12 kids, aids, and a welfare check.
Gorkon
New member
Inner peace.
I took a little bit of time this summer to investigate some other aspects of life.
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.
By following the simple advice I heard on Dr. Phil's TV show, I think that I may have finally found inner peace.
A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, an opened bottle of shhhardonay, a 1/2 bodle of Baileys, a part butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, an a box a chocolets.
Yu haf no idr who friggin gud I fel.
Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece.
I took a little bit of time this summer to investigate some other aspects of life.
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.
By following the simple advice I heard on Dr. Phil's TV show, I think that I may have finally found inner peace.
A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, an opened bottle of shhhardonay, a 1/2 bodle of Baileys, a part butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, an a box a chocolets.
Yu haf no idr who friggin gud I fel.
Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece.
Little David is in the 5th grade. Yesterday morning when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the
typical answers came up; fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.
The teacher noticed that little David was being uncharacteristically
quiet and so she asked him about his father.
'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good,
he'll go out to the alley with some guy and do it with him for money.'
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
other children to work on some coloring, and took little
David aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'
'No,' said David, 'He plays for the Detroit Lions, but I was too
embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.'
typical answers came up; fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.
The teacher noticed that little David was being uncharacteristically
quiet and so she asked him about his father.
'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good,
he'll go out to the alley with some guy and do it with him for money.'
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
other children to work on some coloring, and took little
David aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'
'No,' said David, 'He plays for the Detroit Lions, but I was too
embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.'
DeviantSRX
New member
Gorkon - Got kick outta that one. I definately need to find my inner peace, sounds like a pretty fool proof method.
joe.snow - Sad but true.... that would be embarresing to admit youre related to a friggen Lion
joe.snow - Sad but true.... that would be embarresing to admit youre related to a friggen Lion
Gorkon
New member
Well maybe you can find your inner peace while making a batch of cookies for Christmas. Enjoy. G.
Christmas Cookie Recipe
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Crown Royal/Whiskey/Rum
- Sample the Liquor to check quality.
- Take a large bowl, check the Liquor again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
- Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
- Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again.
- At this point it's best to make sure the Liquor is still OK, try another cup.. just in case.
- Turn off the mixer thingy.
- Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
- Pick the frigging fruit off floor...
- Mix on the turner.
- If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a dewscriver.
- Sample the Liquor to check for tonsisticity.
- Next, sift two cups of salt, or something.... who giveshz a sheet.
- Check the Liquor.
- Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
- Add one table.
- Add a spoon of ar, or somefink.... whatever you can find.
- Greash the oven.
- Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
- Don't forget to beat off the turner.
- Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
- Finish the bottle of Liquor.
- Make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
Cherry Mistmas
Christmas Cookie Recipe
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Crown Royal/Whiskey/Rum
- Sample the Liquor to check quality.
- Take a large bowl, check the Liquor again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
- Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
- Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again.
- At this point it's best to make sure the Liquor is still OK, try another cup.. just in case.
- Turn off the mixer thingy.
- Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
- Pick the frigging fruit off floor...
- Mix on the turner.
- If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a dewscriver.
- Sample the Liquor to check for tonsisticity.
- Next, sift two cups of salt, or something.... who giveshz a sheet.
- Check the Liquor.
- Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
- Add one table.
- Add a spoon of ar, or somefink.... whatever you can find.
- Greash the oven.
- Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
- Don't forget to beat off the turner.
- Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
- Finish the bottle of Liquor.
- Make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
Cherry Mistmas
DeviantSRX
New member
- Just puttin this out there -
I did indeed start this thread to distract us all form the political discussion and sometimes bickering that has been going back and fourth for the past few weeks, that doesnt mean I dont read and follow them - Politics are a vital part of our way of life whether we like it or not - Appearently I got one of the other threads DP'd, my bad, not tryin to step on any toes aroud here, just puttin my $.02 in, I guess I wasent exactly being politically correct. Sometimes that whole [brain -> filter -> mouth] thing malfunctions.
Sorry to those who were gettin into that thread
I did indeed start this thread to distract us all form the political discussion and sometimes bickering that has been going back and fourth for the past few weeks, that doesnt mean I dont read and follow them - Politics are a vital part of our way of life whether we like it or not - Appearently I got one of the other threads DP'd, my bad, not tryin to step on any toes aroud here, just puttin my $.02 in, I guess I wasent exactly being politically correct. Sometimes that whole [brain -> filter -> mouth] thing malfunctions.
Sorry to those who were gettin into that thread
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Gorkon
New member
Off the topic of this thread....as was yours, but 'funny' in it's own way.........
"One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors." Plato
" When a man who has been honestly mistaken, is shown his error, he now has two choices. Either correct his mistake, or become blatantly dishonest."
"To immature people, someone helping them to become aware of their own ignorance doesn't seem to be help, but ridicule. Such assistance in recognizing their incorrect appraisal of themselves and the world seems to them a repudiation of their very selves and consequently terrible and unjustified." Socrates
"One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors." Plato
" When a man who has been honestly mistaken, is shown his error, he now has two choices. Either correct his mistake, or become blatantly dishonest."
"To immature people, someone helping them to become aware of their own ignorance doesn't seem to be help, but ridicule. Such assistance in recognizing their incorrect appraisal of themselves and the world seems to them a repudiation of their very selves and consequently terrible and unjustified." Socrates
DeviantSRX
New member
Gorkon - I know it was off topic but, I chimed in to a political thread and apparently I was the reason for getting it DP'd and this thread was mentioned as to my enthusiasm for the political threads. Just putin out there where I stand and sorta apologizing since that thread is now locked. Oh well, all is said and done.
Damn! Back to the jokes already!!!!!
Damn! Back to the jokes already!!!!!
DeviantSRX
New member
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest road when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
'My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.'
The wolf jumps up and runs away
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
'My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.'
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
'My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.'
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, 'Will you knock it off, I'm trying to take a $h!t!'
'My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.'
The wolf jumps up and runs away
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
'My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.'
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
'My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.'
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, 'Will you knock it off, I'm trying to take a $h!t!'
Gorkon
New member
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a REAL WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, eyes riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a cowboy from Alberta stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.
She gasps . .
He whispers . . .
"Iron this. Then get me a beer."
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, eyes riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a cowboy from Alberta stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.
She gasps . .
He whispers . . .
"Iron this. Then get me a beer."
FuzzButt
New member
Headlines
Actual Headlines
(With ... umm ... commentary)
1. Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty
(Now THAT really has to build client confidence...NOT!)
2. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
(Just make sure you prepare lots of cookie dough.)
3. Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty
(And tougher than death would be?)
4. Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper nor Body Found
(He was wearing a jumper?)
5. After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth
(This, of course, confirms what we always suspected about California.)
Actual Headlines
(With ... umm ... commentary)
1. Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty
(Now THAT really has to build client confidence...NOT!)
2. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
(Just make sure you prepare lots of cookie dough.)
3. Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty
(And tougher than death would be?)
4. Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper nor Body Found
(He was wearing a jumper?)
5. After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth
(This, of course, confirms what we always suspected about California.)
Last edited:
FuzzButt
New member
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.
They searched for days and couldn't find her.
So the captain sent the old man home with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a an e-mail from the ship.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife had died in the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and found an oyster attached to her butt. Inside it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise?"
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!"
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.
They searched for days and couldn't find her.
So the captain sent the old man home with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a an e-mail from the ship.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife had died in the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and found an oyster attached to her butt. Inside it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise?"
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!"
FuzzButt
New member
Not going to eat there...
And a photo joke.
It's worth the extra $3.05
And a photo joke.
It's worth the extra $3.05
Two boys ages 6 and 4 are at the checkout counter of the drug store with a box of tampons . The old guy at the counter asks the older boy if he knows what they are for ? The young boy repleys " Sir , they are not for me , they are for my brother . We saw that everybody who buys them on TV can bike and swim after buying them and my brother , he can't do either !!??
DeviantSRX
New member
This is a good one
I got a good laugh outta this one... Perfect for this time of year
Subject: Anatomy 101
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions"
to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the
most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood
slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know
what your @$$ hole is doing while you're having an orgasm???"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
I got a good laugh outta this one... Perfect for this time of year
Subject: Anatomy 101
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions"
to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the
most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood
slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know
what your @$$ hole is doing while you're having an orgasm???"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
