good Joke

needaSRX

needaSRX

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Jan 14, 2008
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Location
Manitoba
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they

came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar... See More
but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first
aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine
what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the
highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We
saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag
who got what he deserved. And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a
lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid,
mean-spirited lesbian!

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when
a truck hit us."
 
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In Washington DC an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital.

He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see Barak Obama and Nancy Pelosi before I die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to the White House and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; Obama and Pelosi would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Pelosi, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images and might even get me re-elected". Pelosi agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Obam's hand in his right hand and Pelosi's hand in his left.

There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Obama spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ."

"Amen", said Obama.

"Amen", said Pelosi.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same...."
 
THE CANADIAN WAY

A Newfie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Toronto when this huge,
burly american guy walks in. As he passes the Newfie, he hits him on the
neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says, 'That's a
karate chop from Korea. Well, the little Newfie gets back on his barstool
and resumes drinking his beer. The burly American then gets up to go to
the bathroom and, as he walks by the Newfie, he hits him on the other
side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. That's a judo chop from
Japan', he says. The little Newfie decides he's had enough and leaves. A
half hour later he comes back and sees the burly American sitting at the
bar. He walks up behind him and whacks him on the head, knocking him out
cold. The Newfie says to the bartender, 'When he wakes up, eh!, tell him
that was a ****in' hockey stick from Canadian Tire'.
 
December 8 6:00 PM


It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I
took our cocktails and sat for hours bythe window watching the huge soft
flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So
romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every
inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more
lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever
had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I
did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow
came along and coveredup the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I
got to shovel again. What a perfect life!



December 12

The sun has melted allour lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My
neighbor tells me not to worry-we'll definitely have a white Christmas.
No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by
the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think
that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20.
The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but
I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I
didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll
certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff
so.

December 15

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow
tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The
wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my *** on the ice in the driveway
putting down salt. Hurtlike hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which
I think was very cruel.

December 17

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay
warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.
Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I
hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my
own living room.

December 20

Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff
last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by
twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're
too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only
hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out.
Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says
I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think
he's lying.

December 22

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the
white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till
August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and
then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed
again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on
his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think
the asshole is lying.

December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted
me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she,
nuts?!!Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did
but I think she's lying.

December 24

6 inches - Snow packed so hard by the snowplow, I broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch
who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls
and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the
corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the
street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just
been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and
open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25

Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight -
Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hatethe
snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit
him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I
think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch 'It's A Wonderful
Life' one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER
idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14
hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my
pipes.

December 28

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me
crazy!!!

December 29

10 more inches.Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me
for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for
trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ***. The wife went home
to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31

I set fire to what's left of the house. No moreshoveling.

January 8

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
Why am I tied to the bed?
 
A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."

She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.

He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?"

"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."
 
2 Newphies are looking for work, finally they find work with Hydro installing poles for a new Hydro line. The boss asks if they know what to do. "Yah, bye we're good"
End of the week comes around and it's time to get paid, the Newphies are pretty excited to finally get some decent money. They are shocked at how small their cheques are. "Whut in n'hell is thiis?" The boss explains how many poles the other crews put in, but the Newphies don't believe him, so the boss takes them to another site to show them. "See, that is a GOOD weeks work!" The Newphies are confused, and finally one pipes up "Yeh, but look at how much they left stickin outta the ground"
 
Ollie and Sven are golfing .
Sven needs to light his cigar and asks Ollie for a light.
Ollie says....There's a lighter in my golf bag.
Sven rummages around in his golf bag only to pull out this FOOT long lighter.
Sven..." Holly sheet, ver did ya geet dis"
Ollie..."From my genie, he's in the golf bag if ya really need to see him. Just rub the bag and he'll come out."
So Ollie rubs the bag and sure enough...out puffs a genie in a cloud of smoke.
Genie..."You have freed me from this miserable golf bag, I'll grant you one wish."
Sven..."I wish I had a million bucks"
Genie.. "You're wish is granted". And the genie dissapeared into the golf bag.
Sven..."Well, that was easy enough". About the time Sven finished saying that, the sky turned pitch black and was lined for as far as the eye could see with ducks.
Sven..."Well I'll be a son-of-a-gun. Dat der genie of yers is deaf. I asked for a million bucks.......NOT DUCKS".
Ollie..." Ya, no kiddin he's deaf. Ya really didn't think I wished for a 12 inch BIC did ya !!!!"
 
womens english
yes=no
no=yes
maybe=no
we need=i want
i am sorry= you'll be sorry
we need to talk=youre in trouble
sure go ahead=you better not
do wha you want=you'll pay for this later
i am not upset=of course im upset, you a**

MENS English
i am hungry=i am hungry
i am sleepy=i am sleepy
i am tired=i am tired
i love you=lets have sex now
i am bored=do you want to have sex
may i have this dance=do you want to have sex now
those shoes dont go with that outfit=i am gay
 
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